The adults had a hot dog, each, but what they really liked was the bucketful of fried clams, and a lot to drink. Poppa drank most of a case of beer, and he zigzagged when he walked. Grandpa had rum and coke until all the rum was gone. He was not much for putting the cap back on a bottle once it was opened. Momma and Grandma had been drinking a bottle of Spanish sparkling wine, and when they emptied that one they popped the cork on another. Momma and Grandma were very loud, but you could not understand a word they were saying, and they were laughing their as_es off. Other people at the pool were looking at them. Finally all four heads rolled back in their lounge chairs, and they were asleep, as in dead-to-the-world.
Poppa's mobile phone started to play "A whole lot of love," and he was in no state to answer it. Liam looked at Lara and said, "Maybe it is a call for us." Lara said, "Maybe it is."
Liam popped the phone open, and called into the air, "Hello. You are on the speaker."
"Who is this?"
"Who is this?"
"Who are you?"
"Who are you?"
"Liam? Lara? This is your Great-Aunt Joan..., from Rhode Island. I've called to wish everyone a happy day before the 4th of July. Is your poppa there? I'd like to talk to him."
"He's here, but he can't talk."
The other one said, "His head has rolled back; he is dead-to-the-world."
"How about Grandpa and Grandma?" Grandpa was Great-Aunt Joan's brother.
"Same. Head rolled back; dead-to-the-world."
"Momma?"
"Same..., head rolled back, eyes rolling around in her head, and she is not saying word to anybody about anything."
"Humm. Well, okay, it must be the heat. You kids should come up and see me sometime."
"Is it cool in Rhode Island, Aunt Joan, I heard that it was?"
"Yes, it is cool compared to Tampa, Florida. Maybe the heat got to your Momma and Poppa and Grandpa and Grandpa."
"Maybe it did."
"Come up and see me."
"We will, Aunt Joan."
The kids were quiet for awhile. Then Liam asked, "Do you think we should go pack?"
"Yes, we should. Take one or two of the credit cards your father gave you before they put him away," and she wrote a little note, "Gone to see Aunt Joan. See you later. Don't worry!"
They got to the Greyhound Bus Station, stood on tip-toes and said, "Two tickets to Rhode Island."
The lady behind the counter looked down at them. "Negative. It would take you three days to get to Rhode Island on the bus. Take the train; it is a lot faster, and it's cheaper, too."
"Okay."
"Okay."
They got on a city bus, showed their school bus passes, and rode to the train station. Lara stood in front of the ticket-agent and requested two tickets to Rhode Island.
The man behind the counter had thick glasses, he looked at them for the longest time, as if he were trying to get them in focus, and told them in a slow voice, "It will take you two days to get to Rhode Island on the train. You should take a plane; it will be a lot quicker, and it's cheaper, too."
"Okay."
"Okay."
They got on another city bus, showed their school bus passes, and rode to the airport.
Liam got up on his tip-toes and requested two ticket to Rhode Island, and slapped his Poppa's credit card on the counter.
"Hey, how old are you kids?"
"How old do we have to be to get the tickets."
"You need to be 16."
"We're 16."
"You look about 8."
Lara said, "That's a good laugh, but we have to hurry to get the flight. Just the tickets, please. Hold the jokes."
"You need government issued photo IDs"
They slapped their school bus passes on the counter.
The man looked at the bus passes, "Hey, it says here that you two are in the 3rd grade.
"We are slow, AND we are short. Now hurry-up with those tickets before you are charged with discrimination against slow, short people."
Soon they were sitting on the plane, First Class.
About the time the plane was racing down the runway, Momma rolled over onto the note Lara had pinned to Momma's sundress, and she was stuck in the chest by a common pin. "Ouch! What in the world...," she said. Then when she read the note she jumped up, and she instantly became dizzy and toppled on top of Poppa, who said, "Ouch! What in the world...," and when he read the note, he said, "What the heck...."
Grandma was in the best shape of the four of them at the moment because she had lots of practice drinking during the day. She got out her mobile phone and tapped in the numbers for the bus station. "Have two children been there looking to catch the bus to Rhode Island?"
"Affirmative."
"What? Are they on the bus already?"
"Negative. I advised them to take the train, and they left on a city bus to the train station."
The next voice was slower, the man with the coke-bottle glasses, "Train station. Dave speaking."
Grandma heard from Dave about his "Take a plane" advice, and after she finally got off the phone with Dave, Grandma had the ticket seller from the airport on the phone, and yes, the two short and slow children from the 3rd grade were in the air, flying in First Class to Providence, Rhode Island.
With that settled, Grandma's last call was to Aunt Joan, and, "Yes," Aunt Joan would meet the plane and take good care of the little darlings, and, "No," she would not be giving them a piece-of Grandma's-mind, and "Yes," she would be taking them to the fireworks, and "No," she would not put them back on a plane alone, so, the Tampa crowd had better splash some cold water on their heads and get to the airport.
So, Poppa and Momma and Grandpa and Grandma got on the next plane to Rhode Island, went to the fireworks that night, had a 4th of July picnic at the State Beach the next day, got sunburned, and all six of the Florida crowd were back on the plane heading back to Tampa where they could enjoy the heat and humidity. All's well that ends well, except that was not the end of the story.
The end of the story had to do with the bucketful of fried clams from the day before. Poppa and Momma and Grandpa and Grandma loved those fried clams, but the fried clams did not love them. They were not a half-hour into the flight when the clam-gas started to work its way through their tubes, seeking a way out into the open. Now, you might have thought that they could just squeeze their cheeks together and hold the gas in-place until the flight was over. That is not how clam-gas works.
Lara watched as Momma gripped the arm rests and lifted herself an inch or two above the seat. "Here they come," Lara whispered to her cousin. These are the "winds" that people refer to as 'silent but deadly.' The stink that the four of them put into that plane would have put a dozen skunks to shame. Sewer gases smelled sweet by comparison.
As Lara put it, "It smell like something crawled up into their butts and died." Momma threw Lara a look that would have maimed a weaker child.
First, the people on the plane started complaining and looking around at each other with looks that were saying, "It's you! I know its you!" Wives were looking at husbands, and some were saying, "It's not me. I'm telling you, it's not me!"
A little kid started retching and upchucking, then, some other people chimed in, and, then, the Flight Attendants were retching and heaving. Liam said the stink could have peeled the paint right off of the walls. Grandma, who had lifted herself an inch or two above the seat, threw Liam a look that could have peeled the skin right off of his nose.
The gas worked its way into the cockpit. The pilot and co-pilot were gagging and then they lost their lunches and called-in a Mayday..., Mayday. The plane had to make an emergency landing in New York City. The fire engines showed-up and people in hazmat suits got on the plane, and the hazmat people helped everybody off the plane, and all were given oxygen from steel bottles. Nobody complained any louder about the "stink bombs" than Grandpa. Of course, nobody could have out-done Grandpa in the bad gas department. He was a man among men when it came to dropping the silent-but-deadly bomb. He had been warned and then barred for life from Casey's Bar for dropping "stink-bombs" after eating fried clams.
Thank goodness, just like a bad case of "the winds," this story moves on.
Everyone from the plane was put-up at a very nice hotel, food vouchers, mini-bars, white cotton bath robes, the works. The people from the plane were advised to "air-out" their clothing, so the Tampa family went down to Chinatown and walked around. The people in Chinatown who had dead ducks hanging in their windows seemed to like the odor of the Tampa clan. There was a lot of smiling and bowing going on. Liam and Lara took an instant liking to Chinese people, and some of them told Liam and Lara that they should visit China.
Well that was the day, and that was the night. Everybody got aired-out walking around Chinatown, slept like babies, and woke-up ready for a day that was even better than the day before. The plane checked-out okay; there was no explanation for the origins of the "Noxious Gases," but Homeland Security was continuing the investigation, and air samples taken from the plane were being sent to an FBI lab for analysis.
Now here may be the best part of the end of the story. Because of the inconvenience caused by the noxious gases incident, everybody on the flight was given a voucher for a round-trip ticket to anywhere the airline and their partners flew. Liam and Lara were nodding their heads and smiling at each other in a way that could not have been understood by others. At home that night, Momma and Poppa and Grandma and Grandpa were watching television, relaxing, having a drink or two. Then the four of them nodded off into a deep sleep.
Liam and Lara were reading airlines' schedules on their notebook computers.
Liam asked, "Do you think we should go pack?"
"We should. Take one or two of those credit cards your father gave you before they put him away. I'll write the note," and she wrote a little note, "Gone to China. See you later. Don't worry."
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