Second Honeymoon in Mexico

In 1952, Charlie was a soldier at Fort Bliss in El Paso, Texas, all thanks to the U. S. Government's military draft.  Charlie was getting sorrowfully lonely living away from family and friends in Warwick Downs, Rhode Island. He was not only sorrowfully lonely, he was worried about who was keeping company with his girlfriend back home.   Charlie was by nature a restless sleeper, and he had plenty to worry about concerning the girl he left behind because she was very pretty.  Thoughts about who she might be seeing kept him awake most of the night every night.

Now it was well known among those who had been drafted into the U. S. Army that there were a few ways of getting an early release from the Army.  There was the Band-Aid Man who had band-aids all over his body: face, neck, torso, even places where the sun did not shine.  He said, when asked, that the band-aids were to keep bugs from worming their way into his body.  It took him a few months, but the Army finally sent Band-Aid Man home to his momma.  There was Cat Man who fed and talked to an imaginary cat.  He kept that up for months, stinking cat food littered the place.  The Army helped him pack and sent him home to his momma.  Then there was Limp Man, who said a part of his body was no longer working.  He would take the body part out of his pants to inspect it and to get the opinions of others.  When he chanced to ask the opinion of his commanding officer, who was a woman, he was sent home that very day.  Of course, all of these were medical problems.

None of these disabilities seemed to fit Charlie's situation.  There was another way out, convince the Chaplin that you should be sent home under a program they called, "Early Out."  So, that evening, Charlie asked to have a meeting with the Catholic Chaplain. The old priest had dealt with soldiers' problems for years.  There was nothing the old priest had not heard.  He knew all the problems and all the solutions, and he delivered the solutions bluntly, and, oh, the Catholic Chaplain had never recommended an "Early Out" in his 35-years of service to God and Country for anybody no matter what.  After hearing that Charlie wanted an Early Out, the old priest told Charlie that there was not going to be an Early Out, so, he should just get that idea out of his head--NO EARLY OUT, he bellowed. 

Then the priest got down to business.  "Before some other fellow takes your place, tell your girlfriend up in Warwick Downs, Rhode Island to come on down to El Paso, Texas, to be your lawfully wedded wife.  I'll marry the two of you.  'Til death to you part!"

When Charlie was leaving the building, he heard the old priest slam down his prayer book and mumble,"God, where does the army find these pecker-heads?"

Charlie called back in a voice that was not his own, "WARICK DOWNS, RHODE ISLAND."

Charlie was smart enough to hurry out of the chapel and then to follow the old priest's instructions, and, well, those are the true events that got Patricia-Ann to travel to El Paso, Texas, to become Charlie's lawfully wedded wife. 

One morning, 60-years later, Charlie and Pat were sitting in their kitchen having breakfast together, which they did every morning. Every morning Charlie would ask Pat, "Pat..., what would you like to have for breakfast?", and every morning Pat would answer, "Charlie, you always ask that.  You know I want to have tea for two and two toasted tea cakes."

This morning, on their 60th anniversary, things were strangely different. First, Charlie found the newspaper on his front step unlike other mornings when the carrier threw the paper into the yard, any place far from the doorway. Second, the gout in Pat's big toe was gone, completely gone, after a painful four weeks. Third, strangest of all, before she was asked what she wanted for breakfast, Pat said, "Today, I'll make the breakfast.  What would you like?  How about oatmeal with milk and brown sugar on top?"

Charlie thought, "Well knock me over with a feather!" He didn't say anything; he just went back to reading his paper, but all the changes going on this morning got Charlie to itching an itch that could not be scratched. He put down his newspaper and said, "Pat, it's time we had a second honeymoon."

Pat said, "Charlie, I was just about to say the same thing.  What about a second honeymoon in El Paso, Texas?"

He said, "I didn't see THAT coming!"

So, after she fixed the oatmeal, Charlie, who loved to do computer searches, began searching for the best deal to El Paso, Texas, but there were no best deals to El Paso, Texas. There were, however, very best deals to Juarez, Mexico, right across the border from El Paso. Don't ask me how he did it, but he found a hotel room for $39.95 a night with breakfast included, and flights for $99.99, "ida y vuelta" (round trip), which involve three different airlines, the final leg of the flight was on a six-seat commuter plane from Mexicali.  They didn't even need a passport to enter Mexico on these flights, all they needed were credit cards.

The flight from Mexicali took-off from a grass covered airstrip and landed on a grass covered airstrip outside Juarez, Mexico. A van transported the honeymooners to a colorful hotel inside the city limits. The hotel was named, "Feliz Casa." Everybody was happy, but not for long.

Charlie and Pat went to register for their room, and the driver said he would put their luggage in their room, which he did not do.  He put the luggage in a storage room in the back of the hotel.  Once Charlie and Pat provided all the information required, and there was a lot of information that was required, they were told that they were now being held for ransom, $30,000 dollars for either one of them or $50,000 for the pair.

Thoughts were racing through Pat's head. Back when she was a newly wed in El Paso, Texas, Pat worked in a department store. There was a Mexican women who worked with her, Maria.  Pat thought that the leader of the ransom gang looked a lot like the woman. Of course, that was 60 years ago, but worth a try. Pat asked, "Hombre (Mexican for man, she remembered), did you have an abuela (Mexican for grandmother, she remembered) named Maria who worked in a grandes almacenes (department store) in El Paso, Texas, in 1952? We were las amigas."

"Si," and his eyes narrowed, "but I never liked her. She used to beat me," and then he spit on the ground.

"Oh." Pat felt the wind go out of her, but now it was Charlie's turn to remember, and he remembered his U.S. Army training, something similar to: when you are captured by the enemy, be agreeable and don't say too much. "So, senor bandito, what can we do for YOU to make your day better?", he asked in a pleasant voice.

"Make the call, hand the phone to me."

Charlie took Pat's mobile phone and studied the directory.  Charlie was asking himself, 'Who would have that kind of money, and who would send $30,000 to Mexico to get me released or $50,000 to get Pat released with me?' His eyes kept returning to Pat's nephew's number in Tampa, Florida. On an impulse, he highlighted the Tampa number and pressed SEND.

Pat and Charlie did not know this at the time, but this was a big weekend for Pat's nephew and his family. He and his wife had just been released from the State Prison after serving 6 month for fraud, false pretenses, and uttering. (Just to keep things straight, they were not guilty. They pleaded NO CONTEST and did the prison time, but that's another story.)

The parents (of Liam) and the parents (of Lara) had been out late the night before and into the early hours of the morning, partying at Ybor City, dancing the Rumba and drinking sangria. They were so deep into sleep that the fire alarm would not have made it into their dreams. The cousins were watching the Discovery Channel on a super sized, flat screen TV. Then, the call came through.

When the call numbers flashed on the TV screen, Liam said, "Hey, that's a Rhode Island number!"

When the caller ID flashed on the TV, Lara said, "Hey, that's our Great-Aunt, Pat."

When the GPS located the call, they both said, "What the heck..., Aunt Pat is calling from Juarez, Mexico!" The TV screen went to a satellite image, and Liam and Lara were looking at an overhead image of "Feliz Casa." A little blinking light indicated that the call was coming from Room Number Ocho.

The kids each said their, "Hello," and "Hello," and the bandido said his, "Hello," and delivered his bad news about the ransom demands of $30,000 for either one of them, Pat or Charlie, or $50,000 for both. None of this was bad news for Liam and Lara, who were getting sick-and-tired of watching the Discovery Channel.

While Liam was agreeing with the conditions about how to wire the money that would complete the transfer, Lara had already booked two tickets to El Paso, Texas, and four return tickets to Tampa, Florida. She printed the boarding passes, and phoned for a taxi. As was her custom, whenever she was taking an unannounced trip, she wrote a note to her parents: "We have gone to Juarez, Mexico, to help Aunt Pat and Uncle Charlie get on a return flight to Tampa. We will be back soon. DON'T WORRY."

On the way out the door, Liam grabbed their school bus passes, which were "government issued photo IDs," and he picked up Grandma and Grandpa's passports. He slipped them into his shirt pocket. They closed the doors to the taxi, and they were gone.

Liam and Lara had nothing if they did not have a sense of adventure, so as soon as they landed, they caught a taxi to a taco stand and had two "carne de puerco" tacos. This was not a randomly selected taco stand; this stand occupied a space directly in front of La Paz Elementary School. It was a well know fact that the State of Texas ran school buses into the City of Juarez, Mexico, to pickup school children and carry them to school in El Paso. Then, the great State of Texas returned the children home at the end of the day. All of this is described on the Internet, and Liam and Lara read all about it this morning, complete with transportation maps.

When the bus left the school that day to return the children to Juarez, Liam and Lara were on it. The second stop on the Mexican side of the world was 100 feet from the door to Room Number Ocho at the Feliz Casa Hotel. They skipped to the door, which was locked from the outside with the key still in the lock, they unlocked the door and opened it and Liam sang-out, "Are you ready for some tacos?"

Pat and Charlie both rubbed their eyes and then rubbed them again, "Liam and Lara?"

"Aunt Pat. Uncle Charlie. Let's go get some "carne de puerco" tacos. Then we are flying to Tampa."

"Did you pay the ransom for both of us?", Charlie wanted to know.

"Maybe I'll mail it to them. Everybody is taking a nap.  That's what they do around here in the afternoon, but I've got a taxi driver to take us to the airport in El Paso.  Let's go."

"What about our luggage?  We had those suitcases since the day we were married.  I'm not about to get new ones at this stage of the game."

"I'll take care of that." Liam had a little talk with the taxi driver and then watched the taxi driver walk to the rear of Feliz Casa. In the time it would take him to turn around, the taxi driver returned with two suitcases and put them in the trunk of the taxi. Liam told the driver to stop at the Taco Stand by La Paz Elementary school. He wanted to get to the taco stand before the lady closed up for the day.

Liam and Lara had two more tacos each, and Pat and Charlie had three each, their appetites improved once they accepted that they were going to honeymoon in Tampa, and, oh, Charlie or Pat (you will know which one later in the story) ordered a plate of refried beans, which had been flavored with pig's fat and  chilli peppers. Charlie and Pat both thought that the little kids were just a lot of fun talking in Mexican and then in English and then to each other in some other language, which Pat and Charlie later learned was Farsi.

Pat said to Charlie, "It must be great to be a kid."

Charlie said, "Some kids, yes; some kids, no." Charlie was a retired teacher, so he would know. Then he added, "These kids..., yes."

The taxi had made the crossing into the U.S. bypassing any immigrations check points, which taxis did on all their trips.  Pat said, "Hey, maybe that's how people get into the U. S. illegally."

Charlie said, "Some take a taxi, some just walk.", and now, we are getting to the end of this story, but we are not quite there, yet.

When they arrived at the airport and were passing through security, the security guard checked the children's bus passes with hardly a look, but when he looked at Grandma and Grandpa's Passports and looked at Aunt Pat and Uncle Charlie, he did a double take. He looked at the passports, and he looked at the Aunt and Uncle a few times, and began to scratch his head. He put Grandpa's photo up aside Aunt Pat's face and said, "This looks like you." Now, Grandpa and Aunt Pat were brother and sister, and they shared a strong family resemblance, which, no doubt, was spotted by the trained eye of the transportation security guard.

Liam watched the guard's finger creep toward a red button with the word, ALERT, written under it. "They have had sex change operations!" Liam said to the guard in a loud whisper, "both of them.  Grandma used to be Grandpa, and Grandpa used to be Grandma."

The guard gave-out a whisper, "Holy Mother of God," and he waved the four of them through the gate." 

The flight from El Paso went very well. The flight attendant seemed to take a liking to Uncle Charlie and Liam, and he brought them extra bags of peanuts and extra drinks, grape soda for Liam and orange soda for Uncle Charlie. The flight home was going very well for everyone concerned, but then Uncle Charlie started to lean forward in his seat; he stopped talking and started humming.  Well, at first Liam though he was humming, but then the noise sounded more like a gurgling.  It was gurgling, and Uncle Charlie was half on the seat and half on his toes, and he was motionless, frozen in place.

Here was the problem.  Uncle Charlie could not hold-in the effects of pig fat, which had been part of the refried beans he had eaten at the taco stand--two plates.  Now, here was the other part of the problem.  There was turbulence, and the pilot had  announced stay in your seat, and he put-on the "fasten your seat belt sign." 

A lesser person might have made a run for the toilet and tried to evade the flight attendants on the way, but Uncle Charlie was not one to break the rules.  After all, he had been a teacher for 30-years, which was 30-years of enforcing rules.  Uncle feet started to dance up-and-down.

Liam, who was wise beyond his years, and he knew better than to ask his uncle if he were "all-right," Liam simply asked, "Do you need some help?" Once Liam understood the problem, he pulled-out his moon rock,, and he rubbed his palm across the rock.  The turbulence stopped, the fasten your seat belt sign went out, and Charlie was race walking to the back of the plane.

As he passed Aunt Pat, she called to him, "Charlie. Charlie, are you all-right?"  She thought he might have said something about the Almighty. 

Aunt Pat called again toward the closed toilet door, "Charlie, Charlie."  Aunt Pat caught the attention of the flight attendant, and said, "I don't think he is all-right."  The flight attendants became concerned. You could hear them knocking on the door and talking to Charlie through the closed door.

Charlie hollared, "Stand back.  Don't open the door!"  Finally, the attendants opened the door, and you could hear the toilet flush, and one of the attendants asked him if he had been smoking Italian cigars in there. Charlie returned to his seat. Pat asked him, "Charlie are you feeling all-right?"

"I'm feeling great, just great, what about yourself?"

Pat said, "I'd better take a widdle before we land."

Charlie said, "You better give that toilet a chance to air-out a bit, Pat."  After 60 years of marriage, she knew what he meant.  Pat watched another lady enter the toilet, and come right out again So, Pat waited a few extra minutes.

The flight attendant arrived with more drinks and peanuts, and Liam had the "usual" and Charlie declined, saying he was, "Good."

The plane landed, the taxi ride home was short, and when Liam and Lara opened the door, they found that the parents were just now waking up from their sleep. Lara mentioned to the Great Aunt and Great Uncle, "Let's not say anything about Juarez, Mexico, and El Paso, Texas to the parents.  They get worried when Liam and I take our trips."  Then Lara announced, "Look who is here, Aunt Pat and Uncle Charlie, we went to the airport to pick them up!"

In the excitement that followed, Lara retrieved the note she had written to the parents and put it in her pocket. She was learning that sometimes it is better not to call attention to yourself, even if you are the smartest person in the room (not counting her cousin.)

At that moment, Grandpa and Grandma came through the door. Grandpa kissed Pat on the cheek and shook Charlie's hand and when the excitement died down a bit, Grandpa said, "Let's have a little drink to celebrate!"

"To celebrate what, Grandpa?"

"We are going to celebrate..., that we have something to drink."

"I'll drink to that."

"Me, too.  What an anniversary!"

Aunt Pat turned to Charlie and said, "Isn't is all a lot of fun. We should have taken our second honeymoon sooner."

"All's well that ends well."

Magic in The Air

Liam and Lara had eaten 12 hot dogs between them, drank a case of soda, and had taken a half-dozen swims; it was the day before the 4th of July, celebrated pool-side in the heat of Tampa, Florida. Liam's parents were serving time in the State Prison for fraud, uttering, and false pretenses, so he was spending some time with his cousin, Lara, and his Aunt and Uncle and his Grandpa and Grandma.

The adults had a hot dog, each, but what they really liked was the bucketful of fried clams, and a lot to drink. Poppa drank most of a case of beer, and he zigzagged when he walked. Grandpa had rum and coke until all the rum was gone. He was not much for putting the cap back on a bottle once it was opened. Momma and Grandma had been drinking a bottle of Spanish sparkling wine, and when they emptied that one they popped the cork on another. Momma and Grandma were very loud, but you could not understand a word they were saying, and they were laughing their as_es off. Other people at the pool were looking at them. Finally all four heads rolled back in their lounge chairs, and they were asleep, as in dead-to-the-world.

Poppa's mobile phone started to play "A whole lot of love," and he was in no state to answer it. Liam looked at Lara and said, "Maybe it is a call for us." Lara said, "Maybe it is."

Liam popped the phone open, and called into the air, "Hello. You are on the speaker."

"Who is this?"

"Who is this?"

"Who are you?"

"Who are you?"

"Liam? Lara? This is your Great-Aunt Joan..., from Rhode Island. I've called to wish everyone a happy day before the 4th of July. Is your poppa there? I'd like to talk to him."

"He's here, but he can't talk."

The other one said, "His head has rolled back; he is dead-to-the-world."

"How about Grandpa and Grandma?" Grandpa was Great-Aunt Joan's brother.

"Same. Head rolled back; dead-to-the-world."

"Momma?"

"Same..., head rolled back, eyes rolling around in her head, and she is not saying word to anybody about anything."

"Humm. Well, okay, it must be the heat. You kids should come up and see me sometime."

"Is it cool in Rhode Island, Aunt Joan, I heard that it was?"

"Yes, it is cool compared to Tampa, Florida. Maybe the heat got to your Momma and Poppa and Grandpa and Grandpa."

"Maybe it did."

"Come up and see me."

"We will, Aunt Joan."

The kids were quiet for awhile. Then Liam asked, "Do you think we should go pack?"

"Yes, we should. Take one or two of the credit cards your father gave you before they put him away," and she wrote a little note, "Gone to see Aunt Joan. See you later. Don't worry!"

They got to the Greyhound Bus Station, stood on tip-toes and said, "Two tickets to Rhode Island."

The lady behind the counter looked down at them. "Negative. It would take you three days to get to Rhode Island on the bus. Take the train; it is a lot faster, and it's cheaper, too."

"Okay."

"Okay."

They got on a city bus, showed their school bus passes, and rode to the train station. Lara stood in front of the ticket-agent and requested two tickets to Rhode Island.

The man behind the counter had thick glasses, he looked at them for the longest time, as if he were trying to get them in focus, and told them in a slow voice, "It will take you two days to get to Rhode Island on the train. You should take a plane; it will be a lot quicker, and it's cheaper, too."

"Okay."

"Okay."

They got on another city bus, showed their school bus passes, and rode to the airport.

Liam got up on his tip-toes and requested two ticket to Rhode Island, and slapped his Poppa's credit card on the counter.

"Hey, how old are you kids?"

"How old do we have to be to get the tickets."

"You need to be 16."

"We're 16."

"You look about 8."

Lara said, "That's a good laugh, but we have to hurry to get the flight. Just the tickets, please. Hold the jokes."

"You need government issued photo IDs"

They slapped their school bus passes on the counter.

The man looked at the bus passes, "Hey, it says here that you two are in the 3rd grade.

"We are slow, AND we are short. Now hurry-up with those tickets before you are charged with discrimination against slow, short people."

Soon they were sitting on the plane, First Class.

About the time the plane was racing down the runway, Momma rolled over onto the note Lara had pinned to Momma's sundress, and she was stuck in the chest by a common pin. "Ouch! What in the world...," she said. Then when she read the note she jumped up, and she instantly became dizzy and toppled on top of Poppa, who said, "Ouch! What in the world...," and when he read the note, he said, "What the heck...."

Grandma was in the best shape of the four of them at the moment because she had lots of practice drinking during the day. She got out her mobile phone and tapped in the numbers for the bus station. "Have two children been there looking to catch the bus to Rhode Island?"

"Affirmative."

"What? Are they on the bus already?"

"Negative. I advised them to take the train, and they left on a city bus to the train station."

The next voice was slower, the man with the coke-bottle glasses, "Train station. Dave speaking."

Grandma heard from Dave about his "Take a plane" advice, and after she finally got off the phone with Dave, Grandma had the ticket seller from the airport on the phone, and yes, the two short and slow children from the 3rd grade were in the air, flying in First Class to Providence, Rhode Island.

With that settled, Grandma's last call was to Aunt Joan, and, "Yes," Aunt Joan would meet the plane and take good care of the little darlings, and, "No," she would not be giving them a piece-of Grandma's-mind, and "Yes," she would be taking them to the fireworks, and "No," she would not put them back on a plane alone, so, the Tampa crowd had better splash some cold water on their heads and get to the airport.

So, Poppa and Momma and Grandpa and Grandma got on the next plane to Rhode Island, went to the fireworks that night, had a 4th of July picnic at the State Beach the next day, got sunburned, and all six of the Florida crowd were back on the plane heading back to Tampa where they could enjoy the heat and humidity. All's well that ends well, except that was not the end of the story.

The end of the story had to do with the bucketful of fried clams from the day before. Poppa and Momma and Grandpa and Grandma loved those fried clams, but the fried clams did not love them. They were not a half-hour into the flight when the clam-gas started to work its way through their tubes, seeking a way out into the open. Now, you might have thought that they could just squeeze their cheeks together and hold the gas in-place until the flight was over. That is not how clam-gas works.

Lara watched as Momma gripped the arm rests and lifted herself an inch or two above the seat. "Here they come," Lara whispered to her cousin. These are the "winds" that people refer to as 'silent but deadly.' The stink that the four of them put into that plane would have put a dozen skunks to shame. Sewer gases smelled sweet by comparison.

As Lara put it, "It smell like something crawled up into their butts and died." Momma threw Lara a look that would have maimed a weaker child.

First, the people on the plane started complaining and looking around at each other with looks that were saying, "It's you! I know its you!" Wives were looking at husbands, and some were saying, "It's not me. I'm telling you, it's not me!"

A little kid started retching and upchucking, then, some other people chimed in, and, then, the Flight Attendants were retching and heaving. Liam said the stink could have peeled the paint right off of the walls. Grandma, who had lifted herself an inch or two above the seat, threw Liam a look that could have peeled the skin right off of his nose.

The gas worked its way into the cockpit. The pilot and co-pilot were gagging and then they lost their lunches and called-in a Mayday..., Mayday. The plane had to make an emergency landing in New York City. The fire engines showed-up and people in hazmat suits got on the plane, and the hazmat people helped everybody off the plane, and all were given oxygen from steel bottles. Nobody complained any louder about the "stink bombs" than Grandpa. Of course, nobody could have out-done Grandpa in the bad gas department. He was a man among men when it came to dropping the silent-but-deadly bomb. He had been warned and then barred for life from Casey's Bar for dropping "stink-bombs" after eating fried clams.

Thank goodness, just like a bad case of "the winds," this story moves on.

Everyone from the plane was put-up at a very nice hotel, food vouchers, mini-bars, white cotton bath robes, the works. The people from the plane were advised to "air-out" their clothing, so the Tampa family went down to Chinatown and walked around. The people in Chinatown who had dead ducks hanging in their windows seemed to like the odor of the Tampa clan. There was a lot of smiling and bowing going on. Liam and Lara took an instant liking to Chinese people, and some of them told Liam and Lara that they should visit China.

Well that was the day, and that was the night. Everybody got aired-out walking around Chinatown, slept like babies, and woke-up ready for a day that was even better than the day before. The plane checked-out okay; there was no explanation for the origins of the "Noxious Gases," but Homeland Security was continuing the investigation, and air samples taken from the plane were being sent to an FBI lab for analysis.

Now here may be the best part of the end of the story. Because of the inconvenience caused by the noxious gases incident, everybody on the flight was given a voucher for a round-trip ticket to anywhere the airline and their partners flew. Liam and Lara were nodding their heads and smiling at each other in a way that could not have been understood by others. At home that night, Momma and Poppa and Grandma and Grandpa were watching television, relaxing, having a drink or two. Then the four of them nodded off into a deep sleep.

Liam and Lara were reading airlines' schedules on their notebook computers.

Liam asked, "Do you think we should go pack?"

"We should. Take one or two of those credit cards your father gave you before they put him away. I'll write the note," and she wrote a little note, "Gone to China. See you later. Don't worry."

We are not separate from God.

God is not one of us, but do not worry about this, worrying does not help.  I would not recommend that anybody try to understand God. 

If our prayers are prayers of thankfulness, then good. If our prayers ask God to change things, remember this: God is not going to change the Universe to accommodate our prayers. Prayers work best when they are prayers of thankfulness. Praying may help the person who prays to feel better and to be better, then again, maybe not. Praying may help the group that prays to feel better and to be better, then again, maybe not.

When able-thinking people ponder the meaning of God, time-after-time they discover that God is a name for all that exists. That is what the Catholic nuns were saying when they said God is omnipresent, omnipotent. God is not the creator of all that exists, God is all that exists.  

Simply, God does not exist separate from existence, God IS existence. God is not one of us, but we are a very small, temporary part of God. We may be very important to ourselves, and we may be very important to some other people. Are we important to God? The question is irrelevant because we are not separate from God. All praise be to God. Know thyself. Be happy.