Second Honeymoon in Mexico

In 1952, Charlie was a soldier at Fort Bliss in El Paso, Texas, all thanks to the U. S. Government's military draft.  Charlie was getting sorrowfully lonely living away from family and friends in Warwick Downs, Rhode Island. He was not only sorrowfully lonely, he was worried about who was keeping company with his girlfriend back home.   Charlie was by nature a restless sleeper, and he had plenty to worry about concerning the girl he left behind because she was very pretty.  Thoughts about who she might be seeing kept him awake most of the night every night.

Now it was well known among those who had been drafted into the U. S. Army that there were a few ways of getting an early release from the Army.  There was the Band-Aid Man who had band-aids all over his body: face, neck, torso, even places where the sun did not shine.  He said, when asked, that the band-aids were to keep bugs from worming their way into his body.  It took him a few months, but the Army finally sent Band-Aid Man home to his momma.  There was Cat Man who fed and talked to an imaginary cat.  He kept that up for months, stinking cat food littered the place.  The Army helped him pack and sent him home to his momma.  Then there was Limp Man, who said a part of his body was no longer working.  He would take the body part out of his pants to inspect it and to get the opinions of others.  When he chanced to ask the opinion of his commanding officer, who was a woman, he was sent home that very day.  Of course, all of these were medical problems.

None of these disabilities seemed to fit Charlie's situation.  There was another way out, convince the Chaplin that you should be sent home under a program they called, "Early Out."  So, that evening, Charlie asked to have a meeting with the Catholic Chaplain. The old priest had dealt with soldiers' problems for years.  There was nothing the old priest had not heard.  He knew all the problems and all the solutions, and he delivered the solutions bluntly, and, oh, the Catholic Chaplain had never recommended an "Early Out" in his 35-years of service to God and Country for anybody no matter what.  After hearing that Charlie wanted an Early Out, the old priest told Charlie that there was not going to be an Early Out, so, he should just get that idea out of his head--NO EARLY OUT, he bellowed. 

Then the priest got down to business.  "Before some other fellow takes your place, tell your girlfriend up in Warwick Downs, Rhode Island to come on down to El Paso, Texas, to be your lawfully wedded wife.  I'll marry the two of you.  'Til death to you part!"

When Charlie was leaving the building, he heard the old priest slam down his prayer book and mumble,"God, where does the army find these pecker-heads?"

Charlie called back in a voice that was not his own, "WARICK DOWNS, RHODE ISLAND."

Charlie was smart enough to hurry out of the chapel and then to follow the old priest's instructions, and, well, those are the true events that got Patricia-Ann to travel to El Paso, Texas, to become Charlie's lawfully wedded wife. 

One morning, 60-years later, Charlie and Pat were sitting in their kitchen having breakfast together, which they did every morning. Every morning Charlie would ask Pat, "Pat..., what would you like to have for breakfast?", and every morning Pat would answer, "Charlie, you always ask that.  You know I want to have tea for two and two toasted tea cakes."

This morning, on their 60th anniversary, things were strangely different. First, Charlie found the newspaper on his front step unlike other mornings when the carrier threw the paper into the yard, any place far from the doorway. Second, the gout in Pat's big toe was gone, completely gone, after a painful four weeks. Third, strangest of all, before she was asked what she wanted for breakfast, Pat said, "Today, I'll make the breakfast.  What would you like?  How about oatmeal with milk and brown sugar on top?"

Charlie thought, "Well knock me over with a feather!" He didn't say anything; he just went back to reading his paper, but all the changes going on this morning got Charlie to itching an itch that could not be scratched. He put down his newspaper and said, "Pat, it's time we had a second honeymoon."

Pat said, "Charlie, I was just about to say the same thing.  What about a second honeymoon in El Paso, Texas?"

He said, "I didn't see THAT coming!"

So, after she fixed the oatmeal, Charlie, who loved to do computer searches, began searching for the best deal to El Paso, Texas, but there were no best deals to El Paso, Texas. There were, however, very best deals to Juarez, Mexico, right across the border from El Paso. Don't ask me how he did it, but he found a hotel room for $39.95 a night with breakfast included, and flights for $99.99, "ida y vuelta" (round trip), which involve three different airlines, the final leg of the flight was on a six-seat commuter plane from Mexicali.  They didn't even need a passport to enter Mexico on these flights, all they needed were credit cards.

The flight from Mexicali took-off from a grass covered airstrip and landed on a grass covered airstrip outside Juarez, Mexico. A van transported the honeymooners to a colorful hotel inside the city limits. The hotel was named, "Feliz Casa." Everybody was happy, but not for long.

Charlie and Pat went to register for their room, and the driver said he would put their luggage in their room, which he did not do.  He put the luggage in a storage room in the back of the hotel.  Once Charlie and Pat provided all the information required, and there was a lot of information that was required, they were told that they were now being held for ransom, $30,000 dollars for either one of them or $50,000 for the pair.

Thoughts were racing through Pat's head. Back when she was a newly wed in El Paso, Texas, Pat worked in a department store. There was a Mexican women who worked with her, Maria.  Pat thought that the leader of the ransom gang looked a lot like the woman. Of course, that was 60 years ago, but worth a try. Pat asked, "Hombre (Mexican for man, she remembered), did you have an abuela (Mexican for grandmother, she remembered) named Maria who worked in a grandes almacenes (department store) in El Paso, Texas, in 1952? We were las amigas."

"Si," and his eyes narrowed, "but I never liked her. She used to beat me," and then he spit on the ground.

"Oh." Pat felt the wind go out of her, but now it was Charlie's turn to remember, and he remembered his U.S. Army training, something similar to: when you are captured by the enemy, be agreeable and don't say too much. "So, senor bandito, what can we do for YOU to make your day better?", he asked in a pleasant voice.

"Make the call, hand the phone to me."

Charlie took Pat's mobile phone and studied the directory.  Charlie was asking himself, 'Who would have that kind of money, and who would send $30,000 to Mexico to get me released or $50,000 to get Pat released with me?' His eyes kept returning to Pat's nephew's number in Tampa, Florida. On an impulse, he highlighted the Tampa number and pressed SEND.

Pat and Charlie did not know this at the time, but this was a big weekend for Pat's nephew and his family. He and his wife had just been released from the State Prison after serving 6 month for fraud, false pretenses, and uttering. (Just to keep things straight, they were not guilty. They pleaded NO CONTEST and did the prison time, but that's another story.)

The parents (of Liam) and the parents (of Lara) had been out late the night before and into the early hours of the morning, partying at Ybor City, dancing the Rumba and drinking sangria. They were so deep into sleep that the fire alarm would not have made it into their dreams. The cousins were watching the Discovery Channel on a super sized, flat screen TV. Then, the call came through.

When the call numbers flashed on the TV screen, Liam said, "Hey, that's a Rhode Island number!"

When the caller ID flashed on the TV, Lara said, "Hey, that's our Great-Aunt, Pat."

When the GPS located the call, they both said, "What the heck..., Aunt Pat is calling from Juarez, Mexico!" The TV screen went to a satellite image, and Liam and Lara were looking at an overhead image of "Feliz Casa." A little blinking light indicated that the call was coming from Room Number Ocho.

The kids each said their, "Hello," and "Hello," and the bandido said his, "Hello," and delivered his bad news about the ransom demands of $30,000 for either one of them, Pat or Charlie, or $50,000 for both. None of this was bad news for Liam and Lara, who were getting sick-and-tired of watching the Discovery Channel.

While Liam was agreeing with the conditions about how to wire the money that would complete the transfer, Lara had already booked two tickets to El Paso, Texas, and four return tickets to Tampa, Florida. She printed the boarding passes, and phoned for a taxi. As was her custom, whenever she was taking an unannounced trip, she wrote a note to her parents: "We have gone to Juarez, Mexico, to help Aunt Pat and Uncle Charlie get on a return flight to Tampa. We will be back soon. DON'T WORRY."

On the way out the door, Liam grabbed their school bus passes, which were "government issued photo IDs," and he picked up Grandma and Grandpa's passports. He slipped them into his shirt pocket. They closed the doors to the taxi, and they were gone.

Liam and Lara had nothing if they did not have a sense of adventure, so as soon as they landed, they caught a taxi to a taco stand and had two "carne de puerco" tacos. This was not a randomly selected taco stand; this stand occupied a space directly in front of La Paz Elementary School. It was a well know fact that the State of Texas ran school buses into the City of Juarez, Mexico, to pickup school children and carry them to school in El Paso. Then, the great State of Texas returned the children home at the end of the day. All of this is described on the Internet, and Liam and Lara read all about it this morning, complete with transportation maps.

When the bus left the school that day to return the children to Juarez, Liam and Lara were on it. The second stop on the Mexican side of the world was 100 feet from the door to Room Number Ocho at the Feliz Casa Hotel. They skipped to the door, which was locked from the outside with the key still in the lock, they unlocked the door and opened it and Liam sang-out, "Are you ready for some tacos?"

Pat and Charlie both rubbed their eyes and then rubbed them again, "Liam and Lara?"

"Aunt Pat. Uncle Charlie. Let's go get some "carne de puerco" tacos. Then we are flying to Tampa."

"Did you pay the ransom for both of us?", Charlie wanted to know.

"Maybe I'll mail it to them. Everybody is taking a nap.  That's what they do around here in the afternoon, but I've got a taxi driver to take us to the airport in El Paso.  Let's go."

"What about our luggage?  We had those suitcases since the day we were married.  I'm not about to get new ones at this stage of the game."

"I'll take care of that." Liam had a little talk with the taxi driver and then watched the taxi driver walk to the rear of Feliz Casa. In the time it would take him to turn around, the taxi driver returned with two suitcases and put them in the trunk of the taxi. Liam told the driver to stop at the Taco Stand by La Paz Elementary school. He wanted to get to the taco stand before the lady closed up for the day.

Liam and Lara had two more tacos each, and Pat and Charlie had three each, their appetites improved once they accepted that they were going to honeymoon in Tampa, and, oh, Charlie or Pat (you will know which one later in the story) ordered a plate of refried beans, which had been flavored with pig's fat and  chilli peppers. Charlie and Pat both thought that the little kids were just a lot of fun talking in Mexican and then in English and then to each other in some other language, which Pat and Charlie later learned was Farsi.

Pat said to Charlie, "It must be great to be a kid."

Charlie said, "Some kids, yes; some kids, no." Charlie was a retired teacher, so he would know. Then he added, "These kids..., yes."

The taxi had made the crossing into the U.S. bypassing any immigrations check points, which taxis did on all their trips.  Pat said, "Hey, maybe that's how people get into the U. S. illegally."

Charlie said, "Some take a taxi, some just walk.", and now, we are getting to the end of this story, but we are not quite there, yet.

When they arrived at the airport and were passing through security, the security guard checked the children's bus passes with hardly a look, but when he looked at Grandma and Grandpa's Passports and looked at Aunt Pat and Uncle Charlie, he did a double take. He looked at the passports, and he looked at the Aunt and Uncle a few times, and began to scratch his head. He put Grandpa's photo up aside Aunt Pat's face and said, "This looks like you." Now, Grandpa and Aunt Pat were brother and sister, and they shared a strong family resemblance, which, no doubt, was spotted by the trained eye of the transportation security guard.

Liam watched the guard's finger creep toward a red button with the word, ALERT, written under it. "They have had sex change operations!" Liam said to the guard in a loud whisper, "both of them.  Grandma used to be Grandpa, and Grandpa used to be Grandma."

The guard gave-out a whisper, "Holy Mother of God," and he waved the four of them through the gate." 

The flight from El Paso went very well. The flight attendant seemed to take a liking to Uncle Charlie and Liam, and he brought them extra bags of peanuts and extra drinks, grape soda for Liam and orange soda for Uncle Charlie. The flight home was going very well for everyone concerned, but then Uncle Charlie started to lean forward in his seat; he stopped talking and started humming.  Well, at first Liam though he was humming, but then the noise sounded more like a gurgling.  It was gurgling, and Uncle Charlie was half on the seat and half on his toes, and he was motionless, frozen in place.

Here was the problem.  Uncle Charlie could not hold-in the effects of pig fat, which had been part of the refried beans he had eaten at the taco stand--two plates.  Now, here was the other part of the problem.  There was turbulence, and the pilot had  announced stay in your seat, and he put-on the "fasten your seat belt sign." 

A lesser person might have made a run for the toilet and tried to evade the flight attendants on the way, but Uncle Charlie was not one to break the rules.  After all, he had been a teacher for 30-years, which was 30-years of enforcing rules.  Uncle feet started to dance up-and-down.

Liam, who was wise beyond his years, and he knew better than to ask his uncle if he were "all-right," Liam simply asked, "Do you need some help?" Once Liam understood the problem, he pulled-out his moon rock,, and he rubbed his palm across the rock.  The turbulence stopped, the fasten your seat belt sign went out, and Charlie was race walking to the back of the plane.

As he passed Aunt Pat, she called to him, "Charlie. Charlie, are you all-right?"  She thought he might have said something about the Almighty. 

Aunt Pat called again toward the closed toilet door, "Charlie, Charlie."  Aunt Pat caught the attention of the flight attendant, and said, "I don't think he is all-right."  The flight attendants became concerned. You could hear them knocking on the door and talking to Charlie through the closed door.

Charlie hollared, "Stand back.  Don't open the door!"  Finally, the attendants opened the door, and you could hear the toilet flush, and one of the attendants asked him if he had been smoking Italian cigars in there. Charlie returned to his seat. Pat asked him, "Charlie are you feeling all-right?"

"I'm feeling great, just great, what about yourself?"

Pat said, "I'd better take a widdle before we land."

Charlie said, "You better give that toilet a chance to air-out a bit, Pat."  After 60 years of marriage, she knew what he meant.  Pat watched another lady enter the toilet, and come right out again So, Pat waited a few extra minutes.

The flight attendant arrived with more drinks and peanuts, and Liam had the "usual" and Charlie declined, saying he was, "Good."

The plane landed, the taxi ride home was short, and when Liam and Lara opened the door, they found that the parents were just now waking up from their sleep. Lara mentioned to the Great Aunt and Great Uncle, "Let's not say anything about Juarez, Mexico, and El Paso, Texas to the parents.  They get worried when Liam and I take our trips."  Then Lara announced, "Look who is here, Aunt Pat and Uncle Charlie, we went to the airport to pick them up!"

In the excitement that followed, Lara retrieved the note she had written to the parents and put it in her pocket. She was learning that sometimes it is better not to call attention to yourself, even if you are the smartest person in the room (not counting her cousin.)

At that moment, Grandpa and Grandma came through the door. Grandpa kissed Pat on the cheek and shook Charlie's hand and when the excitement died down a bit, Grandpa said, "Let's have a little drink to celebrate!"

"To celebrate what, Grandpa?"

"We are going to celebrate..., that we have something to drink."

"I'll drink to that."

"Me, too.  What an anniversary!"

Aunt Pat turned to Charlie and said, "Isn't is all a lot of fun. We should have taken our second honeymoon sooner."

"All's well that ends well."